At the recently concluded Jaipur Literature festival, I heard a British author called Martin Amis. Quite by chance i happened to listen to his talk though i do not pretend to know who he is or why he is famous. During the talk i learnt he has written a huge number of books and is considered a highly successful writer. To me Mr. Amis was a little bit pompous and dry. He never smiled and looked rather pickled with age and other maladies. The topic under discussion was 'Writing in the 80s'. Now I am not even sure i understood the topic too well. I think it was trying to get the panelists of whom Mr. Amis was one to talk about what it was like to write in the 1980s. Mr Amis too had some issues with the topic. Finally he clearly said he had no idea what it was like to write in the 1980s. He did not remember and he did not care and what was most important was that it was irrelevant. The moderator was the beautiful and poised Nilanjana Roy. If she was a little non-plussed she did not show it, but the audience was definitely uncomfortable. They all shifted uncertainly and the number of them coughing went up significantly. However what Amis had to say after that was, to me, the real gem of the entire talk.
He said, it does not matter to him what decade the calendar says it is. It could be the 1980's, but to him it was his 30s. So no matter what was happening around him at that time, he would live that decade like he would live in his 30s and so on. That made so much sense. There will be a difference between my 30s and your 30s because we are of different ages and will live them in different decades of the calendar, but there will still be some essential similarities in all people when living their 30s. These similarities will be across countries, continents, years and more. This really made a huge connection with the audience and everybody sat up and looked alert and interested. A soft murmur went around of people agreeing, laughing or smiling silently. Then Amis really launched into his big speech about human decades. The 40-43 age is when a mid-life crisis has to hit you he said. It was going to happen and there was no one who got away. Some people just may not be aware of it. Another interesting feature of this crisis, he elaborated, was that everybody thinks about it and says it was not them, but everybody else that was having it or going to have it. Again, very true and the audience murmured in agreement.
By the 50s you have a distinct impression that its all over, Mr Amis said. He said the overwhelming feeling is that life is over and the 'past' looms larger than the future and that is because at this point, it is much larger than the future ever will be (who expects to like for another 50 years when they are 50? Very few :-) ) And finally when you enter the 60s the feeling is that its just getting worse and all the panic buttons start to be pressed. The audience was laughing loudly as Mr. Amis pronounced this verdict on the 60s decade. Some of them a little nervously, some with genuine mirth at the straight face with which this man who was probably facing these same fears at the moment was speaking. People were trying to figure out how serious he really was and how much he was trying to be funny. It was a mixed bag there and i think Mr. Amis was indulging in a bit of both.
What set me thinking further about the age and decades discussion was the fact that it had been my mother's 75th birthday three days before i was sitting in the audience listening to Mr. Amis. I had spent her birthday with her and then flown to Jaipur for the literature festival. She looked well and happy - in fact the happiest she has ever looked, God bless her. She too often spoke to me of decades. The 30s is the hard one, she always said to me whenever i came to visit her in my 30s with my two little kids. The children were small and it could be trying at times. I always felt i had her sympathy thru my 30s. i did not have to be heroic and behave as if i was always enjoying being a mother with her around. i never really let her know how hard i was finding it, but that was because i was not ready to do that. Had i told her then what i sometimes went through, i am sure i would have had a patient and empathetic listener.
The 40s is better, she said to me. But a woman has to be careful about her health. She is living the most delicate part of her life in this decade, she said. Maybe it was because she had suffered her stroke at the age of 47. I turn 47 this year and often think of what she would have been going through. Age does begin to catch up towards the end of the 40s. In my own case i can see it happening. Weight stays. Eyes begin to deteriorate faster and faster. Medical check-ups become a thing to be more than a little apprehensive about, specially when your doctor starts to order cancer marker tests. The children start to leave home. There are definite emotional and physical vulnerabilities that need to be faced in the decade of the 40s. I now think back on how she faced these and what happened that brought about her stroke. It was basically a severe breakdown of her defences that took place. I somehow understand her better now than when it happened and i was only 19.
The 50s she said were much much happier than the 40s. And she said that about every succeeding decade - the 60s and the 70s. She said responsibilities were definitely on the decline. Of course you had your duties, but the magnitude was lower. There was more time for yourself. You could really finally be yourself without worry or shame. I saw her live her life with more and more abandon as she grew older. She danced more, she wore more colours, she ate chocolate every single day for years, then suddenly stopped as she felt she was 'over it', she dyed her hair if she wanted to, did not if she didn't want to. She really lived life on her own terms. Every decade gets better and better darling, she assured me. And she is right. I see her more happy and content now than ever before. It must get better and better, i surmised, looking at her.
The two views, one of Mr. Amis and the other of my mother were quite different, i must say, and i was amused and confused all at once. What should i believe to be correct. Both did feel your decade belonged to you, though. Further than that they had their own ways of looking at the aging process and themselves. They both defined their happiness or otherwise.They were both simply sharing their views.
What i do with my decades is entirely upto me. I will decide if it gets better like my mother assured me, or worse as Mr. Amis expressed. We will all live our own decades, which will have nothing to do with what calendar decade it is, what our partners or children are doing with theirs, or indeed what is happening in the world at large.
Its your decade; live it your way.
