For My Eyes Only

I was not over the hill at 30, at 40 which is the new 30, or 50 which is the new 40, but when I completely stopped seeing what was over the damn hill. This was when i had to submit to the reality that i was not 18 till i die or forever 21, as i had been in my head, but indeed approaching middle age, in fact hurtling through middle age, soon to be delivered at the doors of decided old age. What else should i feel when my reading glass power doubled in Feb and then doubled again in April with a new distance power to boot. Everything had become a blur by the time i decided i had to do something about it. I only went when food on my plate was of undistinguishable content and quantity. Make-up was a challenge and i could only guess what shape and colour my eyelids were after i had smeared them with eye-shadow. And finally when large, meant-to-be-read signs at the airport were completely out of focus, i had to admit that something was seriously wrong. 

The doctor was not concerned and gave no explanation for the rapid decline. For me, on the other hand, the news that i had to wear glasses all the time was comparable to the complete annihilation of a limb, or in this case a faculty. Though as a child i had begged to wear glasses, now i had no desire whatsoever. Life is funny isn't it, serving you exactly what you do not wish for. Well anyway, that was how i felt when i left the doctor's clinic. The next issue was how to choose the glasses. The frames are obviously without any power so how on earth could i see what i was selecting?  When, two days later, the glasses came, an even bigger shock ensued. They were large, black, thick and heavy and utterly inappropriate and frankly i felt as elegant as Big Ethel. There was no question of any eye-make up now - for what could you see once the glasses came on. I spent long hours wondering how people with glasses did things, lived, for example. It was so pointless. 

For one thing, the glasses changed perspective completely. The room felt as if it had closed in. Sense of depth and distance took on completely new dimensions. I was fore-warned that progressive glasses take some getting used to and i should be prepared - i was prepared for misery. I could barely read, expect through one sliver on the lens when i held my head at a particularly awkward angle in relation to the page. This seemed to change with every breath and blink of my eyes. I was like a puppet with the revolving and rotating head that jumped and bobbed and moved at demonic angles, all in vain attempts to read. In three days i had given up. The reading glasses came back - at least i could read with them. And i resigned myself to the distance being a permanent blur. 

This is when i spent considerable time contemplating how fragile we really were. One fine day in our 40s, one of our vital faculties was not responding, was not able to carry the burden it used to. And what a gift that faculty was - only when it started to recede did i fully acknowledge that. And how anything man-made was so infinitely inferior to what God had gifted us with. The eye is so perfect in the way it allows us to see near and far, deep and wide and aided sight is always going to be a compromise. 

I am definitely not the first or the last person to get glasses. I do understand that simple truth. But this is the first time for me and nothing can improve that. The first time is the hardest. Then the eye gets used to the changed perspective and probably that becomes the reality. This brings me to my next question: what exactly is reality? Every time a basic skill which is taken for granted undergoes a change, the body and mind adjusts to become accustomed to the new reality. This is wonderful and scary at the same time. Its amazing how there is really no standard, but an ever changing set of conditions.

Things improved when i had a new lease of eyes with the discovery of bi-focal soft contact lenses. They allow you to see near, far and intermediate through the same contact lens and are a breakthrough of sorts by Bausch and Lomb. They are not born-again eyes, but close enough. I have them on right now and sit typing with perfect vision and clarity, minus any encumbrances. I can look around the room and things are clear, too. However when i look outside the window into the far distance, the vision i have could be clearer. It is probably never going to be perfect but this is already perfect enough for me. Now all i ask for is status-quo. That would be so re-assuring to have. 

 Would i have accepted this type of eyesight a few years, maybe 10 years ago - certainly not. Today i consider myself lucky to have what i do. I have no doubt this is just a preview of many such compromises. 

Comments

[Srinivasan]

Welcome to the Club of 4 eyed people! I have been wa earing progressive lenses since 1982! Each time I have to change them, technology has progressed. Formerly one only got reading and distance powered lenses. You now have an in between power for the distance of the computer. What next who knows. True it takes about a week to get used to progressive lenses but after that it is a great thing. You now have a new look at the world literally apart from figuratively.

[MOHYNA]

Did not expect it to be such a change! Have been hearing from various people about this post and all have had a unique experience. Not all are pleasant! It takes getting used to, that your eyes do not function like they used to! The only 'good' thing is that it happens almost to everyone!! Some people are just in denial and do not wear / use the glasses unless they have to - like for reading. Tina was saying, Jimmy is almost blind and cannot even see road signs clearly but he insists on not using his distance glasses and even tries to squint and read so as not to wear his reading glasses!! Its really a different world after glasses and I guess everyone reacts to it in their own different ways. And unless it happens to you it is hard to imagine. I think Ajay finds this whole glasses thing quite amusing / strange from time to time! I am still in the experimental stage. I am trying to use the contact lenses which i find quite comfortable, but use the progressive glasses after i take off the contacts in the evening. and then there is a lot of care with putting eye drops so that the eyes do not get too dry and all that stuff. So its different - lets just say that!!!

[Vincent Davis]

It's okay to sometimes let go of these feelings. Writing is one of the best ways to release emotions. It's good that you shared your experience here! Regrets aren't tolerable, especially if you have nothing else to do but go with the flow. You're lucky that technology is getting more and more advanced today! Your eyes will be better… ;)